Wait; THAT'S the toughest question??

Hey kids,

Dustin Randall here (call me Dusty Randy for short), back in the saddle again.  If you now have that awful Aerosmith song stuck in your head, good.  That was the point.

Anyhow, looks like it's time for the Segway creator to come clean.  Straight up front page on cnn.com (the source for EVERYTHING newsworthy):

Segway inventor reveals 'toughest question'

Did you know?  The Segway company is one of only three companies worldwide that has adopted what's known as the "business denim" dress code.

If you're like me, and you fully expected the "toughest question" to simply be "why are you the world's biggest douche?", well, you're apparently wrong: 

When to quit -- said Kamen, also the inventor of health care technologies and the Slingshot water purifier -- is "the toughest question there is" for any entrepreneur who survives on creativity and instinct.

Oh reeeeally.  How hard is it to figure out when to quit when you never should have started in the first place?  This guy's in the same class as the Shaper Image dweeb:

"Hi!  My name's Pecker!"

How did R Kel not think of this first?

Eastern Motors commercials aside, if this isn't the best commercial created in the last 7 years, I'm not sure what is.

A few thoughts come to mind:

• Why will she not just share one of those nuggets with him?  There's at least 10 in that box.  Why does she covet them so?  It would appear from the wedding band that they are either married, or involved in a classic "Trapped in the Closet" style love affair.  You would think that something as rudimentary as sharing a chicken nugget would be common-place; but perhaps that's the exact thing that's driving their relationship downwards and tearing this poor man apart in the process?
• Speaking of, this man is devastated that he cannot get one of those nuggets.  Devastated to the point where he has not only written a tune to express his sorrow and desperation, but he chooses to perform it in both the comfort of his own home (perhaps sparing himself some embarrassment), AND in a dark alley in the pouring rain.  There have been some times in my life where I have thought of killing a man to obtain chicken nuggets, but never have I been driven to the point of public song.  His plight is pitiful, shameful, yet beautiful.
• Judging from the nature of his house, his wife's car, etc., I have to think this guy has the means to simply drive to McDonald's himself and purchase those tasty nuggets which he craves uncontrollably.  Although maybe he's lost his driver's license, and cannot transport himself via car to the nearest McD's?  Maybe he is new in town, and doesn't know the location of the nearest McDonald's, and his nav system is on the fritz and can't offer him help in that area?  Perhaps he was caught recently cheating on his wife with someone who is employed at McDonald's, and his wife agreed to stick with him only on the condition that he never again eat McDonald's?  The nuggets are a symbol of his ultimate temptation:  nuggets and sweet, sweet drive-through lady love.
• Is that Bill Bellamy?

On an administrative note, posting will be slowed, if not halted altogether over the next week and a half, as I have finals next week.  Until then, I leave you with the Platinum Bentley...

Beware the Logic Geniuses...

A big thanks to the people who took one look at the picture a couple posts down and were quick to chime in with "hey idiot, can't you see that guy's got diplomat plates!?!"  As if that somehow makes my point about people just parking their cars wherever because they have their hazard lights on obsolete.  I'd love to see the logic behind that one.

Anyway, nice to know that one of my biggest reader-bases appears to be avid Photo Hunt players.

"Dude, upper right corner!  UPPER RIGHT!!  HURRY UP!!!"

Eat it, dorks.

Oh yeah, rush that shit.

Looks like our favorite frat boys are at it again!

Dude, rushing Beta is fucking INTENSE, brah!

Big bonus points to the white boy with the Wu-Tang "C.R.E.A.M." ringtone.  Because obviously cash rules everything around him.  Nothing comes as close to the streets as the frat-life does; living in close proximity to 140 other white guys, sippin' on Busch Light, waking up to go to class, and collecting rent money from pops.  Word is bond, yo.

So we're just parking anywhere now...

Seeing as I go to school in Washington, DC, I'm reminded on a daily basis that despite tens of thousands of years of human evolution*, the human species is somehow completely unable to grasp the basic concept of the legal parking spot.  Now look, I fully understand that sometimes you have to run into a building to grab something, it's 3 in the afternoon, and shit, why in the hell is there a 14 ft no parking zone to begin with?  BUT...there's a difference between leaving your car unattended in a non-conspicous parking space for a few minutes, and just stopping your car wherever you damn well please and throwing the hazards on because "dude, if you put your hazards on, it's totally cool."  Ummm, no.  No, it's not.

"Fuck off man, I'll only be a few minutes!  I got my hazards on!"

Just another one of those things that as a society, we need to reach an agreement that this sort of stupidity will stop.

*Unless you're one of those who is still under the impression that creationism got the whole thing going, and that dinosaurs never existed (I bet the guy who made all those bone scupltures is soooo rich!), and the economy's fucking great.  

Today's journey into human stupidity: Fun with Furries

Sometimes these things just write themselves.  Another week, another human stupidity-induced animal attack.  Let's head across the Pacific, where...

A panda at a zoo in southern China attacked a student who snuck into its pen hoping for a cuddle with the endangered bear, state media said Saturday.

Head explosion lives here:

Now that we've got that out of the way, wh-wha-wha-whaaaaat??  How in the hell could this have happened?

"Yangyang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him," Liu was quoted as saying from his hospital bed. "I didn't expect he would attack."

Safe to say our buddy Liu doesn't exactly fit the "smart Asian" stereotype.  I have a feeling I know what that panda was thinking though the minute Liu came looking for a hug...

Cha-Ching!!!

And yeah...I'm fully aware that using the term "furries" in the title of a post will inevitably lead to my blog coming up on google searches for "furries."  Does this concern me?  Oh yeah.  Do I desperately need the hits?  Yup.

A few "sports guys"...Part One

So this is my chance to talk about a couple different "sports guys" that exist in my world, and more than likely in your world too.  It is not an attempt to be an all-inclusive, comprehensive list, as there are simply way too many of these species to even count.  It's like the insect kingdom; scientists are uncovering new breeds of sports guys nearly every week.  I'm pretty fortunate to live in DC, which is one of the largest collecting ponds for these guys in the world.  I realize that there are numerous other blogs out there that have attempted to compile lists on this exact same subject, but I didn't read any of them, because they all suck.  Anway, these are a few of my favorites...*

 - The "nonchalant guy who is friends with a bunch of guys who are way too passionate."

This is the guy who will spend 3 hours of a heated game texting and talking to girls with Iowa t-shirts or something, while his friends endure 3 hours of their own personal hell.  Immediately upon conclusion of the game, as his friends are trying to collect what's left of their sports dignity, and contemplating if they're going to leave the house at all in the next week, he'll usually say something like "you guys want to get some Chipotle?"

 - "Bad-humor rival" guy.  

"Green Bay??  More like Green BAD!!"

This guy is a fan of the team that you would consider to be one of your prime rivals.  There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself.  The problem is he tries to express his hatred for your team through really awful, uncreative humor.  His wheel-house jokes usually consist of some of these classics:  

"Charlie Weis is fat!"

"Peyton Manning is white trash!"

"At least we're not in Aunt Arbor!"   

And my personal favorite, "[insert any name here] is gay!"

Look, we get it.  You're a fan of the other team.  But do you really think anyone is in any way insulted or affected by your terrible jokes?  Newsflash dude:  that's not trash talk.  It's just stupid.  There is nothing more exhausting than bad comedy.  You're a retard, we know.  That's why you're a fan of the OTHER team.

 - "Red-Sox Hat" guy.

"Growing up in Omaha, I was the biggest Sox fan!  When they won the world series in '88, I was only 4 years old, but it was the greatest moment of my life!"

 This guy ran out to buy his Red Sox hat the minute they beat the Yankees in the playoffs several years ago.  He proudly wears his Red Sox hat nearly everywhere he goes, and proclaims he's a part of the "Red Sox nation."  You even catch him every now and then talking with a bit of a Boston accent when trying to pick up a girl - as if the Sox make the ladies swoooon.

But, dude, he grew up in a suburb outside of Chicago.  He went to school at Midwestern state school.  He lives in Orlando.  He's never even been to Boston.  He only knows two people who are from New England.  Take off the hat, douchebag.  There's enough Massholes in this world already; we don't need another one.

 - "Grown man wearing a hockey jersey" guy.

"Hi, I'm Chet!" 

Let me be clear about this:  There are only two situations on this earth where it is appropriate for a grown man to be wearing a ridiculous, oversized, brightly-colored garment with numbers and letters on it.  One, if you're playing the sport of hockey.  Two, if you're attending a hockey game - and even then, it's iffy.  You don't wear your hockey jersey around the house.  You don't wear it out at the bar.  You don't wear it to your friend's engagement party.  Dude, we know:  You're a hockey fan.  Sticks, pucks, Alex Ovechkin, and Canada make your world go fround.  But that's no excuse to purposefully look like a complete idiot.  Just because Cameron wore the shit out of that Red Wings jersey in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, it does not mean that this practice is socially acceptable.

 - "Soccer" guy.

You just know the Mac guy's a pretentious soccer snob.

This guy's actually closely related to "hockey jersey" guy.  Everybody knows this guy.  While he may or may not be a fan of other sports as well, he's quick to point out that soccer is sweetest of all science, and that the purity of the game of "real football" is unmatched in all the world of sport.  If soccer got in a fight with Ray Lewis, soccer would win handily.  Soccer vs. a hurricane?  Get that weak-ass hurriance shit out of here.  

Soccer guy's favorite activity consists of going to seedy soccer bars (or "pubs," as they call them - I guess they didn't notice that they're in Newark, not Newcastle) at 4 am in the morning to watch some idiotic match-up between two obscure German-league teams that's going to end up in a tie.  All the while, he'll be heavily consuming pints of some fake-import beer like "Harp" or "Wasteiner," because that's how they do it in Europe, man!  UEFA, FIFA, AC "insert town name here", Vodaphone, riots - fine, whatever.  Just move to Europe already and get it over with.  Spare us your "passion" for this inane sport.

Part II to follow...

*Some of these guys are indeed personally connected to me.  I'm not going to say who they are, but if you're that guy, you knew it the minute you read it.  And you should be ashamed.  Will you still be my friend though?

If I had to describe ketchup in one word...

If you find yourself in a situation where someone actually uses "ketchup industry" and "ubiquitous" in the same sentence, you've entered the business school zone...

"So I see you have 'ketchup industry transformation project'

 listed under 'relevant experience'..."

Get out while you still have the chance.

Shit yeah brah!

+

=

"Resale Value?  What the fuck is that, brah?  Check out my spoila!!!"

As a society, at some point we have to just all agree that this isn't going to happen anymore.

Today's Journey Into Human Stupidity: Hot, Sexy Cougar Attacks

Today's journey into the infinite realm of human stupidity takes us to the state where approximately 84% of it flows from:  Florida.  A 16 year old girl has been hospitalized after being attacked by a cougar.  "But I thought cougars only went after guys in their 20s" you say?  Ummm, not that kind of cougar.

This kind of cougar:

So what exactly happened?  Did the cougar escape his cage at the zoo?  After all, the chances of coming across an actual cougar in the general outdoors in the state of Florida have got to be somewhere between slim and none, right?  Well, apparently not:

"The young woman was attacked at the house at 17910 NW 84th Avenue in Palm Springs North."

Ok, so we've got a cougar, in a house...what's the explanation?

"Morales says the young man was trying to impress his girlfriend and her mother."  

Ahhh, that makes sense.  Before I got engaged, I too had to first prove my worth to my wife's family by showing off my collection of exotic animals.  It's a pretty common American tradition, so I can see where the guy's coming from.  But why would this cute little animal that's totally fit for domestication attack this innocent victim?

"It is unclear why the 150 pound cougar attacked the teen,..."

Hmmm, maybe because it's a wild fucking animal that should never under any circumstances be kept as a pet.  Yeah, I'm going to go with that one.  Is this still a new concept to some people?  In any case, at least now they've got this weirdo locked up, and they can get this wild animal to a zoo, or a refuge, or somewhere way more appropriate for it, right?

"...but the owner of the home apparently has the proper permits to have the large cat at his home."

They're giving out permits for these things??  I'm just going to issue a blanket statement to all Floridians here; get out of the gene pool.