A few "sports guys"...Part One

So this is my chance to talk about a couple different "sports guys" that exist in my world, and more than likely in your world too.  It is not an attempt to be an all-inclusive, comprehensive list, as there are simply way too many of these species to even count.  It's like the insect kingdom; scientists are uncovering new breeds of sports guys nearly every week.  I'm pretty fortunate to live in DC, which is one of the largest collecting ponds for these guys in the world.  I realize that there are numerous other blogs out there that have attempted to compile lists on this exact same subject, but I didn't read any of them, because they all suck.  Anway, these are a few of my favorites...*

 - The "nonchalant guy who is friends with a bunch of guys who are way too passionate."

This is the guy who will spend 3 hours of a heated game texting and talking to girls with Iowa t-shirts or something, while his friends endure 3 hours of their own personal hell.  Immediately upon conclusion of the game, as his friends are trying to collect what's left of their sports dignity, and contemplating if they're going to leave the house at all in the next week, he'll usually say something like "you guys want to get some Chipotle?"

 - "Bad-humor rival" guy.  

"Green Bay??  More like Green BAD!!"

This guy is a fan of the team that you would consider to be one of your prime rivals.  There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself.  The problem is he tries to express his hatred for your team through really awful, uncreative humor.  His wheel-house jokes usually consist of some of these classics:  

"Charlie Weis is fat!"

"Peyton Manning is white trash!"

"At least we're not in Aunt Arbor!"   

And my personal favorite, "[insert any name here] is gay!"

Look, we get it.  You're a fan of the other team.  But do you really think anyone is in any way insulted or affected by your terrible jokes?  Newsflash dude:  that's not trash talk.  It's just stupid.  There is nothing more exhausting than bad comedy.  You're a retard, we know.  That's why you're a fan of the OTHER team.

 - "Red-Sox Hat" guy.

"Growing up in Omaha, I was the biggest Sox fan!  When they won the world series in '88, I was only 4 years old, but it was the greatest moment of my life!"

 This guy ran out to buy his Red Sox hat the minute they beat the Yankees in the playoffs several years ago.  He proudly wears his Red Sox hat nearly everywhere he goes, and proclaims he's a part of the "Red Sox nation."  You even catch him every now and then talking with a bit of a Boston accent when trying to pick up a girl - as if the Sox make the ladies swoooon.

But, dude, he grew up in a suburb outside of Chicago.  He went to school at Midwestern state school.  He lives in Orlando.  He's never even been to Boston.  He only knows two people who are from New England.  Take off the hat, douchebag.  There's enough Massholes in this world already; we don't need another one.

 - "Grown man wearing a hockey jersey" guy.

"Hi, I'm Chet!" 

Let me be clear about this:  There are only two situations on this earth where it is appropriate for a grown man to be wearing a ridiculous, oversized, brightly-colored garment with numbers and letters on it.  One, if you're playing the sport of hockey.  Two, if you're attending a hockey game - and even then, it's iffy.  You don't wear your hockey jersey around the house.  You don't wear it out at the bar.  You don't wear it to your friend's engagement party.  Dude, we know:  You're a hockey fan.  Sticks, pucks, Alex Ovechkin, and Canada make your world go fround.  But that's no excuse to purposefully look like a complete idiot.  Just because Cameron wore the shit out of that Red Wings jersey in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, it does not mean that this practice is socially acceptable.

 - "Soccer" guy.

You just know the Mac guy's a pretentious soccer snob.

This guy's actually closely related to "hockey jersey" guy.  Everybody knows this guy.  While he may or may not be a fan of other sports as well, he's quick to point out that soccer is sweetest of all science, and that the purity of the game of "real football" is unmatched in all the world of sport.  If soccer got in a fight with Ray Lewis, soccer would win handily.  Soccer vs. a hurricane?  Get that weak-ass hurriance shit out of here.  

Soccer guy's favorite activity consists of going to seedy soccer bars (or "pubs," as they call them - I guess they didn't notice that they're in Newark, not Newcastle) at 4 am in the morning to watch some idiotic match-up between two obscure German-league teams that's going to end up in a tie.  All the while, he'll be heavily consuming pints of some fake-import beer like "Harp" or "Wasteiner," because that's how they do it in Europe, man!  UEFA, FIFA, AC "insert town name here", Vodaphone, riots - fine, whatever.  Just move to Europe already and get it over with.  Spare us your "passion" for this inane sport.

Part II to follow...

*Some of these guys are indeed personally connected to me.  I'm not going to say who they are, but if you're that guy, you knew it the minute you read it.  And you should be ashamed.  Will you still be my friend though?